


Life is But a Dream

by TheInfamousDoctorF



Category: Call of Duty, nazi zombies
Genre: M/M, Profanity, bad German accents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 01:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2048793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInfamousDoctorF/pseuds/TheInfamousDoctorF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A much more acceptable ending for Nazi Zombies.<br/>Welcome to Happy-Ending-Ville... or is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is But a Dream

The man woke from his nightmare with an unearthly shriek. He clutched at the sweat-stained blankets and looked around wildly. Still confused and afraid that this seeming respite would only be a taste of freedom before the horrors poured in on him once more.   
Slowly the ambient sounds came into focus and he heard the sound of feet pounding down a wooden floored hallway. A warm breeze fluttered the curtains on a nearby open window and distant laughter floated on the afternoon air. A blonde man burst into the room.   
“Hey Doc, are you okay? I heard you screaming from the fuckin’ back yard. ”  
“Ugh. Mein head... Ja, I’m okay Dempshey.” The German maneuvered his body into a sitting position on the bed. His undershirt was soaked and his pale legs looked sickly poking from a pair of worn boxer shorts. He didn’t like the American seeing him like this, but it was good to know that the meathead cared about his charges well-being.   
“I had zhe most terrible dream.”  
Tank ambled into the room and sat down on a wicker chair. “Yeah? Let’s hear it.”  
His vision seemed to haze as he fought with the slippery mass of fear and bloodlust he’d felt. Words failed him. “I dreamed you hated me!” He said emphatically.   
Dempsey gave a little snorting laugh.   
“And zhere were zombies! Millions of zombies! And the Earth blew up…” he said slowly.   
“Well that’s just great Doc. I think your subconscious is fucking with you again. If I didn’t like you a little bit I wouldn’t have requested to be your bodyguard after Project Paperclip scooped you up.”  
“I know Dempshey. I vas mad when you kidnapped me from Germany, but it beats sitting in a jail cell vaiting to be executed for trying to leave the country. Bitte don’t sink me ungrateful.” Edward Richtofen started to stand but ended up back on the bed.   
“Tank moved to help him, “whoah, you feeling okay?” He touched the older man’s forehead with a callused hand. “It feels like you have a fever doc, better take it slow.”   
The sound of barking filed the air and Richtofen clutched his head in pain. “I hate zhat fucking dog,” he muttered.   
“Yeah… I’m not found of it either.” Tank stuck his head out the window. “Quit teasing that dog god-dammit!” The only response was a lilt of childish laughter and Dempsey grimaced in irritation.   
A second voice answered from a different direction. The chubby man had been dozing in a lawn chair with a half empty bottle of liquor, and was now facing the irate Marine. “Do us all a favor and tell your little German princess to shut up instead. He’s the one yelling for no reason. I was trying to catch up on my beauty sleep.” He took a swig from the bottle. “It’s bad enough that Masaki spent most of the morning trimming the hedges around his house with a chainsaw. That guy, he has issue.”   
Tank just rolled his eyes, “go back to sleep Nikolai.”  
“Tell me again vhy you Americans vanted zhat guy on the project?”   
“Seriously, you don’t know?”   
“No, I don’t and don’t make fun of me!”   
The blonde’s eyes widened in surprise, “I’m not making fun, I seriously don’t know and I assumed you did. I’m just a grunt; they don’t tell me that kinda stuff.” He looked back out at the Russian, who was now snoring loudly. He smiled, “maybe it’s an experiment to see how much liquor a human being can imbibe without exploding.”   
“I heard that, fuck you Dempsey.”   
Tank just laughed. He leaned on the windowsill, staring out at the weirdly green lawns and the sun-baked desert beyond. “I don’t know Edward, but it sounds like you’ve been spending too much time playing with your dolls.”  
The German bristled, “zhere not dolls! Zhey are soft sculpture and you do not understand art!”   
“I may not know art Doc, but I know what I like, and your dolls are ugly. I’ve never seen someone so obsessed with making toys that look undead.”   
The German crossed his arms defensively. “I’m making a statement about consumer culture Dempshey, you’re just too shtupid to get it.”   
Suddenly Tank noticed something bad. “You stay here for a sec Doc; I need to take care of something.” The Marine clambered out the open window and stepped out onto the pristine flagstone patio. He was making a beeline towards a little girl who was playing with something on the adjacent driveway. “What did I tell you about getting into our house Samantha? These are not yours to play with!”  
Richtofen caught snatches of the conversation and was instantly furious, he leaped about trying to get both legs into his pants at once and pounded down the hall and out the back door. He stormed down the path and pushed Dempsey roughly aside. With a shout of anger he snatched the little stuffed zombies from the iron grip of a twelve-year-old girl.   
“How many times Samantha have I told you to stay out of mein things? You are not velcome in mein house and zhese are not toys!” He clutched the painstakingly stitched monstrosities to his chest, livid with rage.   
The little girl clutched her teddy bear so tightly it seemed its button eyes would pop off its head and then she opened her mouth and let out a shriek that echoed up and down the cul-de-sac. “MR. EDDY IS BEING MEAN TO ME!”  
The door at the top of the driveway slammed open and a bearded man stormed out.   
Tank swore quietly and grabbed at Richtofen who easily evaded him.   
“EDWARD! How dare you make my daughter cry!”   
Richtofen snarled in response, “I’ll do vhatever I vant Doctor Maxis. Tell your little thief to stop stealing my creations!”   
The two men eyed each other, tempers broiling. Richtofen funneled the little zombies into his pants pockets and hauled off to punch the older man. Tank stepped in between, but not soon enough to stop Edward landing a solid fist into the face of Dr. Maxis. The blood from the other man’s nose sprayed across his knuckles and Maxis exploded in a hail of swears, scrabbling to get past the Marine and choke his rival.   
“That’s enough,” Dempsey growled. “As much as I’d like to let you two just beat the crap out of each other and get it over with; I’d get smoked for letting it happen. So knock it off.” He grabbed Richtofen by the shoulders and quick-marched him back behind the house they shared, before pushing him down into a lawn chair.  
“I hate zhis neighborhood,” Edward grumbled.   
“I’d barely call it a neighborhood. It’s a block of homes that were built specifically to be nuked. If they hadn’t indefinitely suspended the tests we’d probably be sharing a barracks somewhere. Or… you know; a guard station and a prison cell.” The look he gave the German was pointed.   
Edward shifted uncomfortably, and then fished the zombie dolls from his pockets. Thankfully Tank had caught Samantha in time, and she hadn’t had the opportunity to rip or stain his precious monsters. He petted one absentmindedly.   
A pair of eyes peered at them over an impossibly rectangular hedge. Dempsey spoke without turning, “hey Tak, you can come over if you want too.”   
The Japanese man stood gracefully, adjusting his clothing as if he had not just been hiding behind a hedge. He sauntered into the yard, his clothes were loose and flowing and he wore a sword on his hip. His face was slightly pink from exercising.   
“Did the girl take the zombies again?”   
“Yeah, she does that.”   
“I hate her so much.”   
“Why do you not close the windows Doctor?” Takeo asked. “It would certainly make it harder for her to get into the house.”   
Richtofen shuddered. “It doesn’t matter how securely I close everysing, she always gets in anyway. Zhat girl scares me.”   
“Yeah man,” Dempsey added, “I had a nightmare once that she ripped the back door off. I wish they’d transfer her, her dad and that fucking dog someplace else.”  
There was a moment of long silence and then Takeo spoke quietly. “Have you heard anything from my countrymen?”  
Dempsey rubbed his neck, “yeeeaaah, kinda. I don’t think you’re going home anytime soon. Since the German’s caught you spying initially before we rescued you, your government won’t acknowledge that there is, nor ever was, anyone with your name even employed in their regular military. Sorry man. I think you’re stuck with us for a while.”   
Edward stood, “I’m going inside now.”   
The desert wind blew gusts of sand onto the gaily painted houses, and a swing-set creaked back and forth in the hot air. Nikolai stumbled into the yard and dropped heavily into the German’s vacated chair. He passed a bottle to the American and another to the Japanese general, who eyed it with deep suspicion.   
Tank held his bottle aloft and the Russian eagerly clinked his own against it. “Here’s to life off the leash guys.”   
“Yosh”   
“Nikolai will drink to that.” 

 

In a small upstairs room, Edward closed the door gently behind him. He padded over to a cabinet and removed a black book from a small stack of papers. Checking again to make sure the windows had their curtains pulled fully closed, he opened the book. An eerie red light painted his craggy face with strange shadows and he retrieved a small object from the hollow he’d dug in the books pages.   
The stone glowed and his fingers pulsed in time with it as he held it. And as the devious plan took shape in his mind; Dr. Richtofen just smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I made an Edd, Ed and Eddy reference. Bonus points if you got it. :)


End file.
